Depression

Another poem came out today.
Sometimes it scares me - the things I say.
I hardly believe it comes from me,
And not some other entity.

These feelings deep inside,
Overtake the child who hides.
No concentration, no peace,
Physically tired, without relief,
Sleeping often with no belief,
Of refuge.

What does this mean, I beg you?
Rhyming feelings my venue,
Give me peace, God, give me peace.
I beg you.

There is too much to be done,
To spend my time and nothing won.
I'm tired, please let me rest.
I no longer can offer my best.

I need to concentrate this moment.
Give me refuge from my thoughts.
Give me peace through such distraught.
I beg you.

Dangling by a string

Dangling by a string, I stay
Not knowing what fate will come my way.
My vulnerable child may show,
Everything the strong woman may know,
But pushes deeper and deeper down,
Need to make the young girl drown.

There are constantly two of me,
But only one at a time I’ll let you see.
And then again I may show just one,
Depends on who has won.

Some days it is all I can do,
To hang on to whom I am in you.
Who am I to be today?
A mother, a lover, a slave

There is no rest for who I am,
May close my eyes, but peace is damned.
Shelter and refuge are what I seek,
But it always crumbles at my feet.

Here I stay holding this string,
Dangling.

Deep Into The Darkness

Crawling deep into the darkness I found my refuge from the pain,
I was safe under the house while he shouted out my name.
Deeper I would go until my own hand I could not see,
There I would close my eyes and dream of a different me.
When finally it was safe I would sneak out to the light,
And run to my room until my parents came home at night.
Bolting the big locks on my doors to keep the monster out,
Beating on my door while my name he would shout.

It’s not fair that you left me there without you,
And now you think I make up stories that are not true.
When I was feeling low I’d finally give in to his demand,
And let him touch my naked body with his dirty hands.
What other attention was there for me to seek?
I was just a young girl and… weak.

Everything was evil and oh so wrong back then,
How could I tell you when it was such a sin?

Into the storage barn he would take me along with his friend,
And that is when my innocence would end all over again.
Where were you, I wish I had known-
But you put locks on my doors, so something must have shown.

The stolen gifts he would give me and the secrets he would tell,
Sinking me deeper into his darkness, and further into my shell.
I kept seeking his acceptance although I don’t know why.
And back up his stories with lie after lie.
Even your blinded eye saw the anger in him.
But from where did it actually stem.

Was it the spankings with both our pants pulled down?
Naked in front of each other being beaten, tears spilling to the ground.
Had someone done to him what he was doing to me?
How will I ever know the truth and be set free?

Did you ever take the time to tell me you were proud?
Of whom I was becoming or was I just a face in the crowd?
Did you tell me daily that you loved me?
And to dream that there was no limit to what I could be?
No, I was to be seen and not heard.
So my lips never escaped one word.

I resent the way you raised me and blindly think you did so well,
The heritage you gave me has caused my life such hell.
By believing that abuse is what I deserve and none should I tell.
To bad for you because your secrets are out,
Maybe you don’t believe, but with them you hold no clout.
You wonder why I do not come to see you,
Why would I?

Stay behind your cloud of pride,
I know you cannot take a side.
Be there for him and his girl,
She will need you in her world.
There’ll be a day when darkness falls on her,
But this time, remember my words.
He has an evil deep within,
Who knows when with her it will begin.

You cannot save me and nor do I wish you too.
I have a loneliness that is new.
But I like it here without you.

Children

Drawing pictures and painting with hands,
Unicorns with horns and bottles of colored sand,
Creativity bounding in each child,
Imagining their world so pure and wild.

Why should they grow up to find out the truth?
And miss out on living the dreams of their youth?
What would it hurt to pretend horses fly?
And have pretty horns that guide them thru the sky?
Or that beaches have colored sand,
And bottle it up to hold in our hand?

Life is short but can be the longest thing we do,
Fill it with love and creations of you.
Worry not about what has passed,
Or spend time trying to make the day last.
Yesterday is over and cannot come back,
Spend no time thinking of what you lack.

It’s those that love you that matter most,
Some days they hate you, but hold them close.
Dream with them and let go of time,
Spend a morning just creating a rhyme.

Beast and Beauty

Beast and beauty are bound in you,
Created by both - you will find that it’s true.

At times they may escape into words and actions,
You remain their fatal attraction.

No matter how far you may have traveled,
Your slumber often unraveled,
Taking over your mind but not your heart,
For it is there that you must start.

The place that belongs only to you,
And where you'll find rest and remain true

Are we not beautiful in the winter?
When our leaves have been shed,
And are left with just a splinter?

Why must we say and do what is not felt,
And close our eyes to the cards that have been dealt?

Do we cover a dead tree with silk?
And pretend that it's alive while it wilts?

Understand from where you came,
And react to what’s inside the same.

Beauty and beast forever inside,
And although you think you may hide,

They plunge thru without regret,
But their actions we soon forget.

In our hearts we know the truth,
And lose the need for proof,
Of whom we are and what we will be,
It’s what is inside that others must see.